It is oftentimes too hard to get away from thoughts of regret. The wish to undo, unlisten and go back in time could be unbearable – at least maybe for awhile for those who are strong. Life is not perfect as all say, and some of those that make it not perfect break us. When those moments of the past creeps again – they just make you cry, detach you from reality and get consumed in the sound of silence – that silence, is when all you hear is nothing but yourself talking to yourself about the if onlys, what ifs and I could haves.
Silence has a voice. But finding to listen to it could be quite difficult. Its sound is not anything from the nature when you’re in the middle of a forest or the sea. It’s not the sound of the waves when you’re relaxing and resting in your blanket, nor the birds’ chirps or the wind’s surf when you’re in a mountain top.
People want to listen to the voice of silence, even for awhile. In the midst of every activity that consumes their hours, people want a moment to listen to it. Some deliberately make time for it. They plan and spend just to go away. But sometimes, they get lost chasing it. The sound of silence chooses its own time. It waits and it doesn’t matter when or where a person may be at. It sometimes hushes in the unexpected moments – and it makes you stop yet moving or not; It deafens you from the world; It blinds your eyes yet seeing; Then when all senses shifts out from reality – you hear the vivid voice. It could happen while driving in your car or motorcycle; while you’re laundering or cooking, typing your reports, taking a bath, signing papers, playing a game, out in the sun or rain, talking to your students or fixing your furniture. It’s those moments when you hear nothing but yourself.
I get to hear the voice of silence several times in the past few days. My self was talking to myself about myself. It deafened my ear and lost a quarter of its ability to hear literally or medically. Sometimes, when it’s too difficult to explain yourself to others, you just wish that everybody else was you. If only, that while you’re speaking, then magically, – your heart and mind replaces the hearer’s own heart and mind, that way, they can understand you for sure.
The voice says that; It’s sometimes so hard reconciling circumstances with God’s plan when everything you’ve done and sacrificed for may seem to have made you lag behind the road to self-improvement. I have realized how practical Christianity is, if we are to live in this world for an appointed span of years. You have to toil to live.
Since accepting Christ, It has always been my passion to minister to the young people. It was almost a decade ago when I started to get serious and had been involved in several ways, from a church to a para-church. I was so into it that I forgot some other important things. My educational title was at a halt. Little did I know that it will have much impact on me today. Back then, I’d rather choose to organize and attend a Friday youth event that I so much love to do; Teach the word of God to a group of young people in their boarding house; Do a follow-up or counsel to someone or a group on a random schedule at night; and brainstorm and plan events in order to share the gospel to the students. Besides my non-career activity, I spend thirty to thirty-five hours a week at school teaching computer subjects to college students. On weekends, we go to this community to teach the kids, coordinate and implement small projects. I believe though, that it was what I was called to do that time. I put my educational advance on hold because I can’t afford to lose my ministry nights and some days, over an additional secular education. Maybe there could’ve been a smart way to do it all at the same time but I didn’t know how. Besides, there is no graduate school here that offers a master’s degree that is related to my bachelor’s degree. I have tried though to enroll for a Master’s degree in Educational management before but stopped because the person whom I am under at and respect a lot, discouraged me a lot. “It is not in line with your degree and will create confusion where will you be placed”, he said. So I listened and dropped. But a month ago, I found out that you can break the rules and I should have just proceeded.
There were other factors concerning my circumstances which I cannot mention. What pains me more is the avenue where I can minister with, and through my unique capacity is stopped. It turns out that maybe I shouldn’t have started at all because I won’t finish it to the end anyway. It also pains me to be thought upon like you haven’t done anything or haven’t thought everything through before doing anything; and to be given subtle judgments of failing. Maybe I should’ve gone to the graduate school instead and I would’ve graduated now and finally experience to wear a real graduation garment for the first time (I didn’t join our commencement in college).
But anyhow, I have already settled everything with myself and to God, and it doesn’t bother me anymore. God’s comfort gives true comfort. And In the end, I only have myself to blame for what I have become. Well anyway, I cant do anything but to seek God beyond the silence. There, I will find Him. Everything has a reason. It might be a cliche for some, but it will always be true. Something good awaits.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.